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12 miles of hiking • 2250' elevation gain • 1 night

I really wanted this summit. A year and a half of pandemic without climbing anything, and I wanted to get more rock experience under my belt before completely forgetting what I learned years prior in BCEP.

The week prior was spent practicing my prusik hitch and watching videos on rappelling and making sure I remembered an autoblock. I felt like I was ready.

But sometimes, the brain and the body have different ideas.

The hike in was tiring, it was hot, and it was nearing sunset by the time we got to camp and needed to filter water. We had a steep drop to the water, and my fingers froze while trying to squeeze with my sawyer mini. So, I didn't filter as much water as I wanted, and had a steep climb back up to camp. At camp, my chosen dehydrated meal failed to properly hydrate. It was crunchy, flavorless, not enough calories, and really wasn't a good meal despite me adding parmesan cheese to the mix. (Lesson to self, don't just grab what is left in the backpacking supplies, make sure you pick a flavor you know you like.) For those wondering, the offending meal was Good to Go’s Classic Marinara with Pasta. (If I had read the fine print- I would have seen it was brown rice pasta, which is why it didn’t rehydrate well) I had a backup meal of ramen, but I wanted to save it and my water for the next days summit.

Then came no sleep. My brain just would not shut off.

The morning alarm came and after two snoozes I willed myself to get up. From the lack of sleep, I decided to skip the oatmeal/coffee and opt for a bar breakfast instead. The sugary sweetness made me gag, and I knew I made a poor choice but it was nearing go time.

My pack was loaded with the rope, as I hadn’t taken a turn the day before.

I didn’t get far before I felt like my legs had zero go. I often feel like this for the first mile or so, but I voiced that I may have to turn around to our climb leader, Guy. I’m normally not one who gives up so easily. I passed the rope to a stronger team member. He convinced me to continue on, to the ridge, and he would let me make the decision there. The team was going nice and slow, I didn’t want to be a burden to the group, yet I continued on. At the ridge, with the summit very near by sight, I was overwhelmed by the sadness of the past year. I just lost it (inside) and my inner demons just held me there. I gave up, and was given permission to return to camp on my own. Instead of returning right away, I sat and watched my team continue up the ridge, and had a good cry as I took in the incredible views around me. My summit was not the top, but it was a worthy summit nonetheless.

Back at camp, I messaged Kat with my inReach that I was down safely. I started my day over. I had the oatmeal, the coffee, and I watched the morning sun and shadows change the landscape in front of me. I took a 2 hour nap and then listened to distant coyotes howling in conversation as I lay cozy in my bag.

Eventually, I rose, ate a ramen lunch, and decided to see if I could spot my teammates up on the mountain. I scrambled off trail, another cup of coffee in hand. Keeping camp in sight, until I could get the full scree field in my view. Sure enough, I spotted tiny ants, coming down one by one, skiing the sea of scree. I returned to camp and readied my pack for our descent, and greeted the exhausted team as they came back.

Prior to the pandemic, I think I would have pushed on. I think the trauma of the past year has taken a physical and mental toll on me. Either way, I know the true summit will be there another day. Am I kicking myself a bit for stopping? Sure. Talking with the team post climb, we all agreed that any day spent in the mountains with good company is a success. I need not be ashamed for making the decision to not go. As it turned out, I wasn’t the only one who didn’t summit.

Comments

nuizontann hearts this trip.